Don't Dis the Rocks
by musiccat19
Summary: Ness somehow thought it would be a goo idea for the kids to drink Red bull, Monsters, Coca Cola, Coffee, and Five-Hour Energies to pull off an all-nighter and take exams for the next couple of days. Oh lawdy, the results...Rated for language, sexual innuendos, and a naked Red. CRACK ONE-SHOT!


Don't dis the rocks.

The kids in Super Smash Bros. made a mistake. It was a mistake most, if not all, of us have made. They were to suffer horrible consequences. One option was to just do nothing and get in huge trouble later on. The other was too go through hours of agonizing labor to prevent this, but they'd probably die during the process. What is the process? Studying. All night. Because the next two nights would be the exams they haven't bothered studying for until this point.  
"We are stupid." Ness laid his head on the desk he was sitting at. On it, he had an assortment of papers, notebooks, textbooks, binders, pens, pencils, highlighters, and empty gum wrappers. The other kids- Lucas, Toon Link, Popo, Nana, Red, Young Link, and Pit- had similar items spread throughout their own work spaces.  
"I don't think we can pull this off." Pit said, lying face down on the lush carpeted floor.  
"Why do you say that?"  
"Because we're as dumb as rocks." Nana answered. She was sitting with her legs crossed on the floor, her hands rubbing her temples.  
"Hey," everyone looked up at her brother, expecting him to have something important to say.  
"Don't dis the rocks."  
"Why are we related."  
" Anyway, Nana," Lucas commented, " aren't you a goody-two shoes smart chick or something? I thought you would've prepared better for this."  
" Please," She stood up and stretched. " I haven't studied on a regular basis since sixth grade. But I have never had to cram to this extent." Pit rolled over onto his back. " We'll be up all night."  
" Too late." Red pointed at the two Hylian kids. They both had managed to have fallen asleep; Toon on the floor and Young Link on the couch. " Lazy-ass little…" Ness grabbed A Tale of Two Cities and The Odyssey and threw them at the the guys. When a book hit Young Link, he immediately shot up and screamed, " You shouldn't have done that!"  
"Ahh…" Toon sat up, holding hid forehead. " The corner hit my head." Suck it up, grow a pair, and get to work. "

"There is no way we can pull an all-nighter and have enough energy for exams tomorrow and Friday." Lucas sighed. Ness got up. " I have an idea." he walked out. For the next fifteen minutes, the teenagers attempted to study. And by attempt I mean stare at a piece of paper for five minutes then get distracted. Red went on Reddit on his iPod. Nana made paper chains with the various empty gum wrappers. Lucas and Popo both went on YouTube. Young Link stared at the wall, pondering life's mysteries. When Red noticed Toon had fallen asleep again, he got up and retrieved a spray bottle. He then sprayed him in the face, saying, " No."

" What am I a cat-agh!" He covered his huge eyes with his hands.  
" Is that hairspray!" Red observed the spray bottle. " Well, I guess it is."  
" I could go blind you asshole!"  
" Well, when I have a shit to give, you'll be the first to get it." He sat back down. A few minutes later, Ness returned.  
" This'll keep us up." He had large coffees, 5-hour energies, cans of Coca-ColaMonsters, Red Bulls, and, for some reason, a bottle of Niquil. There was enough for everyone to have one. He also had a variety if sodas. Somehow, he managed to carry all of it.  
" Dude," Pit got up to inspect the contents, grinning. " This will totally keep us up."  
" But completely set off our focus." Nana said.  
" Well, it's the only thing we can so at this point." Lucas picked up the cough medicine. " What does Niquil do in this situation?" Ness shrugged. " Dunno. I heard from somewhere that even though it's supposed to make you sleepy, it can create an extra buzz with sugar." he started handing out the drinks. " Now drink up everyone. This is our last defense from failing."

Link stretched and yawned. " Now would be a good time to start heading in…" he said after seeing that the clock read eleven .He was just about to pull his shirt over his head when he heard a girl scream. " Is that… Zelda?" He slowly opened his door and walked out. Ike and Roy were also standing in the hall, wondering what happened. They both looked at Link. He shrugged to show that he had no idea what was going on. A few moments later, Zelda came running in. She looked hysteric. " Why, in the name of all the Gods, is Red running around naked?"  
" Wha?…" they only stared back at her in confusion. Then… it happened.

" WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Red came running down the hall, stark naked,holding two can of silly string. As he ran past them, they got covered on the moist pink and green string. When he disappeared from around the corner, Samus walked to them, also covered in silly string. For a while, the five of them only stared at each other. Then she broke the silence." You guys do realize it is now fact that we have all seen Red's penis?" Roy stuck his head in the corner of the wall. " Whhhyyyyy..." Just then, they heard a variety of high-pitched screams from throughout the household.

"Yeah!"

"Ow!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ahahahahaha!" Then, was a barrage of crashes, like several valuable items have been dropped.

" Oh no…" Zelda covered her mouth on worry and fear.

" What did they do?" Since the majority of the sounds was coming from the kitchen, they carefully made their way there first. When Ike entered, a ceramic plate crashed onto the wall beside him. " Oh my God…" the rest of the adults walked in with mouths agape. Lucas was throwing every plate, cup, and piece of silverware across the room. Popo and Toon were frantically emptying the fridge, freezer, cabinets and pantry of their contents. Young Link was sitting on the floor drinking a gallon of milk, straight. From the carton. He was surrounded by twenty-three empty milk cartons. After he finished the twenty-fourth and final carton, he stood up, threw it at Link's head, and screamed, " I want more milk." Lucas threw down twenty glass cups at one time, creating an orchestra of noise. " I want omelets."

Toon yelled, " Feed me soup!" The fried now empty, Popo ripped off the door, threw it out the window, and exclaimed, " Where. .EGGPLANTS!"  
" No!" Pit's face appeared in the broken window. He jumped inside. " No eggplants! I got rid if them! " Popo grabbed his shirt collar. " What!"  
" They suck! So I took them, put them in a box, taped up the box, and sent them to Carrie Underwood!"  
" You don't seem to understand," he brought their faces close together," I fucking live eggplants." Ness went up to them, put his hands behind their heads, and brought them even closer together." Now… kiss!" Popo punched him square in the face, took his mallet out if nowhere, and faced Pit. Pit also took out his bow-sword thingy. Then they went apeshit.

Link, Ike, Roy, Zelda, and Samus had just stared at the scene. The situation was… almost too weird to describe. Now that Popo and Pit were in a full-out brawl(lol) they quickly took the other four boys out in order to prevent them from being caught in cross-fire. Samus then turned to them. " what the hell is going on!" They were bouncing up and down on the balls of their feet and blinking wildly. "Whaaaaaaaaaa…huh?" Toon asked, his eyes twitching.

" Guys, what happened?"  
" Why are you so hyper?"  
" You are you tearing the place apart?" Ness took a deep breath and spewed out, " Well I thought it'd be awesome to drink coffee and redbull and Coke and more soda and five hour energies and Minsters and stuff because we need to stay up all night and be awake tomorrow because we need to study for exams which are tomorrow and Friday and stuff and we drank everything in like two minutes and then we got bored and hungry and yeah and AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" He ran off screaming, the other three following suit.  
" Oh no…" Zelda whispered, trembling. " What made them think this was a good idea?" Ike shook his head. " This is too hilarious." He took off running. " Imma get my camera!" Link sighed and said, " Well, we better catch them and tie them down before the world ends…"

Marth slowly made his way through the halls, being very cautious. He heard several screams and crashes that had woken him now. He now was trying to investigate. Suddenly, he heard screaming in a room he was passing. It was one of the lounges. The kids would usually hang out there. Slightly afraid, he carefully opened the door. Nana was standing on a table, screaming. " I want chocolate!" Ness, Lucas, and Red, whom much to Marth's displeasure was naked, walked in. Ness threw a banana at her head and yelled, " Bitch, the fucks wrong!" She jumped down and repeated, " I want chocolate!"

" What are you on your period or something?"  
" Yes!" It got really quiet. And awkward.  
" I didn't need to know that…" Suddenly, she keeled over, holding her stomach and squealing. " Cramps!" Red tsked.  
" Come on. It can't be that bad."  
" Yeah. Just get back up."  
" You guys don't get it! It's like, it's like…"  
" The worst thing in the world' We get it."  
" No!" She jumped back up. " It's like having to fart really,really, really badly. And you can't let it out!" They remained silent again. Then they panicked. " Oh my God!" " Are you serious!" "Thats horrible!" " You need chocolate? I'll get it!" Lucas jumped out the window, through the glass and all. Marth ran to it and looked out. Even though they were on the third floor, Lucas looked fine. he then ran across the front lawn, apparently to het chocolate. Link walked in. " What happened; I heard glass." Red turned to him, " Cramps are like not farting! I'm glad I have a penis!" Ike ran in, holding a camera. " What did I miss?" Marth looked at them. " What is going on?" Meanwhile, the kids drew on the walls with colored sharpies. The smell filled the room, making them go even crazier.

" They drank a bunch of stuff and they're hyper as hell." Link explained. " What did they drink?" he pointed to the assorted empty bottles and cans on the floor. When Marth understood exactly what was in the kids' systems, he ran for the closet. There is no way he can just stay out in the open like this. " This wouldn't be they only time Marth was in the closet." Ness commented. Ike and Link began cracking up. " I have a girlfriend!" Marth was really a feminine guy. The only thing really was long hair. He was pretty anal about being called gay. " Good cover!" At that they totally lost it. Nana walked up to him and said, " I hope you step on a Lego." His eyes went big. Then he ran out bawling. Ike turned to her. " That's just cold. "

Red continued to streak around the house, screaming. At one point, he entered a room that had a very nice computer on a very nice desk. He sat down and logged on. " To Memebase!"

Toon walked in and with a British accent so thick and beautiful you'd think he was a native speaker, said, " I say good fellow, why do you go on Memebase when you already go on Reddit?"

" They both have some funny stuff. Now time for Rage Comics!" Red clicked on the section. He read the first one, then pressed 'j' on the keyboard to see the next one. He looked disappointed, and continued to the next one. He kept skipping through every comic very quickly, getting more irritated. Finally, he saw a comic from yesterday, meaning he saw all the updates.

" What the fuck is this shit!" He stood up, making the chair tip back.

" What?"

" Every Rage Comic was stolen from Reddit!" He dropped to his knees. " Why Cheezburger! This is why they hate you!" He picked the chair back up and sat back down in it. Then he flipped the desk. " Fuck this shit!" The desk, computer, and monitor broke. Ness walked in, sniffling for some reason, and observed the damage. He narrowed his eyes, looked at Red, and said very disapprovingly, " That is mahogany!" Red was still naked.

" Pit, please calm down!" Roy was trying to, and failing to, have Pit stop drawing mustaches on all of the portraits, and erasing the mustaches on portraits that had mustaches. Suddenly, he turned around and yelled, " You're not the boss of me!" He reached into his left eye, took it out, and threw it at him. It bounced harmlessly of Roy's head, but at the same time, he was having the biggest mindfuck in his life. He didn't say anything, he just stared at the Pit with an empty eye socket. From what he can tell, the eye wasn't real. But still...

Zelda came walking down the hall, her hands on Young Link's shoulders. " Now, we're gonna take you to your room… you're gonna take a nap… and then-" She looked up to see Pit. " Oh my gods!" He smiled and waved. "Hey." She started to squeak out. " Pit…what…oh Din…what happened!"

" What this? It's a glass eye! I've been through some shit you know." In the midst of her panic, she let Young Link's shoulders go. He walked up to Pit. He slowly raised his finger to the hole in his face. Zelda immediately pulled him away. " Don't do that!" He pulled away and ran. " Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Pit then ran off in the opposite direction.

" So…" Roy picked up the glass eye, " Pit's missing his left eye." Zelda sighed. " This is insane. Even worse, if they do something really outrageous, we'll be in trouble."

Red turned to Lucas, " Hey Lucas, both your parents have brown hair right?"  
" Yes."  
" You are blonde, and your brother had Ginger hair?"  
" Right."  
" How is that possible?"  
" What do you mean?"  
" Both your parents had brown hair, a dominant trait. The only way for you to get blonde hair is if they both had the recessive blonde hair gene, a 25 percent chance of having a kid with blonde hair. But then your brother has red hair, a very rare trait that is even more recessive. I don't understand how both your parents had brown hair and managed to have fraternal twins with two recessive hair colors." He walked away. Then he looked back." The only way I could think of is you being adopted." Lucas stared at him. Then dropped to his knees. " OH MY GOD!" Red was naked.

Young Link was standing on one of the tables in the dining hall. He was dancing while singing:  
"nigakute amai shiroppu  
boku dake ni namesasete yo  
kasaneta hada to kimi no teisuto de  
boku no koto o mitashite!" Marth ran in after hearing the explicit lyrics. " You do understand what you're saying right!"

" I love girls!"

"…I forget sometimes that you speak Japanese too…" Nana came out of nowhere and said, " Great! because…" She stood on another table and began to sing as well:  
"Hitori de  
PANTSU nugeru mon  
PANTSU nugeru mon  
PANTSU nugeru mon ne!" Marth stared at her, mouth agape and eyes twitching. She wasn't a native speaker, but she said it pretty well. " Where do you guys find such dirty songs?…"

" Yay!" Young Link pounced at her, making her fall to the floor.

" Oh God what are you doing!" Marth pulled them apart before anything could happen. He put his hands on their foreheads, preventing them from getting each other. They waved their arms in circular motions.

" Nneeeeeuuuuyyy! Let me have her!"  
" You're insane!"  
" She's cute!"  
" That's gross!" He looked up to see Ike, holding his camera and grinning.  
" How long have you been there!"  
" Since you came in."  
" Help me with this!" Ike went over and grabbed Young Link. " Come on kid you're too young for this …" He pulled away and yelled," You ain't got pancake mix!" Then he ran away. Then Lucas came in. " Nana, I got your chocolate!" He tossed her the Gift from the Gods-I mean a box of Ferrero Rochers. " Hooray!"

" I also got Doritos!" I showed the twenty bags of various Doritos. Ike happily grabbed a bag of spicy nacho. Marth, however, was suspicious.  
" Lucas, where did you get these?"  
" I stole them from the CVS across the street." Ike stopped chewing. " Shit…"  
" You STOLE these!"  
" Na, it's okay. I left an IOU." Marth out his face in his hands. " Oh my God…"  
Nana began to stretch. " I need to unwind." She reached behind her back, up her shirt, and unhooked her bra. She then took it off. " ahhh... that's better." Then she tossed to Lucas's face, where it hung. He took it, looked at it, and put it in his back pocket.

" Hey Pit… where's your eye?"  
" I threw it at Roy."  
" Cool…" Toon stared in awe at Pit and his empty eye socket.  
" Speechless?" He nodded.  
" Well, so was your mom last night!"  
" My mother is dead."  
" That didn't stop me."  
" Well, then no wonder she was-AHHHHHHHH!" he ran off after realizing what that meant. Pit stood there lol-ing when Lucas walked in.

" Yo Pit, I mean this in a no homo way, but I love you man."  
" Aw, I love you too dude."  
" No homo."  
" No homo."  
" Chips?"  
" Yes!" Pit grabbed a bag of Doritos and opened it, causing a small mushroom cloud of nacho cheese flavor to explode. After getting high off the scent, Pit reached in the bag and took a chip out. Music started to play. Slowly and dramatically, he slowly bought the chip to his face. Then, when it was at his mouth, he closed his teeth on it and sharply moved his head to the side. Glitter and sparkles appeared out of no where.

" Lol death note."

" Nut shot!" Ness was running around, kicking every guy in the balls. Mario, Captain Falcon, Fox, Snake… he eventually made it to wolf. As he crumbled to the floor, he said, " You sonava bitch…"

" Isn't that you?" He ran off laughing hysterically. He ran into Lucas. " Hey Ness! I love you. No homo, though."

" Gotcha." Then Red came running by, this time holding whip cream cans, pressing them down. A flurry of cream fell on their faces like money shots. He was naked.

" Hehehe, dat ass." Lucas commented. Suddenly Young Link pounced on him.  
" It was you!"  
" What?"  
" You stole my hat!" It was on his head.  
" You're wearing it, dipshit."  
" Lies! You were pissed that you're the only Earthbound kid with no hat! So you took mine!"  
" No I didn't!"  
" Fine." He stood up and took out a bill-hook cleaver. " We'll have to settle this the hard way." He swung downward. Lucas rolled out of the way, got up, and ran off screaming. Young Link charged after him.  
Ness stood there. Then Samus came. " What happened?Why is-" Ness turned around her and looked her dead in the eyes.

" How are babies made?" She froze. " Y-You don't know!" He shook his head.  
" You're thirteen! Don't you have health class in school!"  
"I sleep in that class and copy off everyone's work."  
" Uh… do you know what sex is?"  
" No."  
" How the hell are you so ignorant to this? You know what, I'm not talking to you about this. Come here you little-" She attempted to grab him, but he dodged and ran off, exclaiming,  
" What is SEX!"

" Oh no…" Link covered his eyes when he saw Red. He had drawn a swatzika on his chest and paced around with his arm straight up. He was saying, " Heil Hitla!" He was naked.  
" Red stop it!" He faced him.  
" You're not my dad!" he swung his arm and slapped Link dead in the face, causing him to fall over. Ike started laughing hysterically. He was so glad he got it on camera. Red ran off.  
" Put some clothes on man!"

" Paramore sucks!"  
" How dare you!"  
" Haley Williams is a bitch!"  
" Your moms a bitch." Pit and Popo were fighting again. This time on music.  
" What now, I bet you hate Flyleaf!"  
" They're okay. And I love Evanescence."  
" Evanescence is sex to my ears! And I love Slipknot!"  
" They scream too much! And Linkin Park is Emo shit!" Pit gasped violently. Then got pissed.  
" You take that back!"  
" They are so emo!"  
" Well, duh! I mean that they're shit!" Ness walked in.  
" Heeeeeeeeyyyyy!" Pit turned to him and screamed " Shut up! Mommy and Daddy are talking!"  
" Okay…" Ness looked down depressingly and sat down in the middle of the floor, his knees tucked in.

Nana sat down with her laptop. Toon walked in, followed by Lucas. " Have any of you been on Chat Roulette?" She asked.  
" No."  
" Me neither."  
" Well I keep hearing about it. Do you want to see it with me?"  
" Sure!" they walked over and looked on the computer with her.  
Five minutes later… Zelda continued her search for the insane children. She suddenly heard screaming and saw Toon, Lucas, and Nana running around. " Penises! Penises everywhere!" They exclaimed.

Pit and Popo continued arguing while Ness sat on the ground like depressed child. Then Red walked in. " What's going on, Bitches?" He was wearing a shiny puple suit with leopard print on the cuffs and hems. He had on a top hat with a long green feather attched to it. He walked with a bedazzled cane and had on gold shoes and sunglasses. So... he was a pimp.  
" Pit! Why are you yelling at my bottom bitch?"  
" Your bottom bitch needs to learn some respect to other people's music tastes!"  
"His job is to respect me! And Popo, where's my money!"  
" What money?"  
" From Lucas and Ness! Or have you been giving handies for free again?"  
" I never do them for free... but I do occasionally for ice cream." Nana, Toon, and Lucas walked in.  
" Lucas! You owe me for Popo. And Nana, for Pit!" Toon stepped in " Na, Pit owes me for Nana; she's my bitch!"  
" Dafuq! No! our bitches can't be doing other bitches!" Young Link walked in, looking sick. Toon looked at him and said, " Ah, my bottom bitch. What's your problem?" He promptly looked at him and threw up all over the floor. it was the twenty-four gallons of milk he had drank before and had all magically stayed in his stomach( until this point) without him exploding." Is that cum!"  
"No..."  
" Who was it! It was Red wasn't it!"  
" Bitch, I only fuck with my own bitches!"  
"What are you guys talking about!" Ness screamed. The adults have all gathered in the room and stared at the kids in shock. " Is... this all true?" Toon turned to Zelda. "Of course not! We're just kids." He turned back to the group and they all sighed. " Now where was I-" His eyes went big mid-sentance and he fell to the floor. Everyone looked at him confused, then the rest of the kids all began randomly passed out. Samus noticed something in their backs  
"Tranquilizers?..." Peach suddenly came out from behind a couch.  
" Yep! I noticed that they were having a huge sugar rush. So I found some of my tranquilizer darts. I've been waiting for all of them to meet in one spot, which is now. " the six couldn't help but be impressed that Peach of all people solved this mess before any real damage occured. Roy glanced at the unconcious teens. " How long will they be out?"  
" A couple of days. So they'll be out until the weekend. That way, they can study for real and be able to make up the exams they miss." she turned to the kids. " Now, we can't just leave them here..."

Ness weakly opened his eyes. His head hurt. He was lying on a chase lounge in his clothes. He looked around to see his friends also strewn about on a couch and chairs._What did we do last night?..._" Ah, your up." He looked up to see Link. "What happened?"  
"You thought it would be a good idea to drink a variety of drinks to keep you guys up for an all-nighter."  
"And from we can tell...' Ike came in holding a laptop," When it mixed in your stomach, it created a combination of crack, ectasy, and acid." Ness finally remembered. " Oh God why..." Everyone else started to wake up at the sound of people talking. Suddenly Nana screamed. "Holy shit Pit, what happened to your eye!" Everyone turned to him and began to freak out. he felt at his face. " Ah shit..."  
" Looking for something?" Roy appeared holding the glass eye." You threw it at me the other day." He tossed it over to him. The kids looked at him and shock." Oh by the way, I have a glass eye." he was about to put it back when he realized everyone was still looking at him. "You guys my want to look away from this..." They turned away and started to remember what had happened."Why did I do that..."  
" Oh my fuck, everyone saw my dick!"  
" There wasnt much to look at."  
" I stole from CVS!"  
" I went on Chat Roulette..."  
" Is that my bra!" Nana stared at the womanly garment that Lucas had just took from his back pocket. He smiled sheepishly, threw it at her, and planted his face into the cushion.  
" I have never been filled with more regret in my life."  
" This is just like the hangover..."  
" Well kids..." Ike stood up. " I took the liberty of recording as much of this magical event as I could. And the official punishment is for everyone in the house to see this and for you to watch your idiocy."  
" With bonus material from us." Zelda added as she, Samus and Marth came in. Dispite how much they didn't want to, the kids grouped around Ike and the laptop to witness the event. Then Popo remembered. " Oh my God! We forgot the exams! And we didn't study at all!"  
" Chill out, Popo," Link said rolling his eyes. " You can study this weekend and make up the exams next week." He took a spot behind the couch to view the computer. " and you'll need it; you guys are more retarded than rocks."  
" Hey," Everyone looked back at Popo." Don't dis the rocks."

THE END

LMAO! I did this out of pure boredom. I wanted a crack-fic that would be longer than usual. So about the title, my Geometry teacher said this to a kid once when he said, "I'm dumber than a rock." So, shitty title is shitty. XD. I don't really mind flames. I did this for my own enjoyment and amusement. Thank you for reading!

-Musicaat19


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